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Thu, Jun. 16th, 2005, 07:53 pm
one_quick_kiss: I thought maybe I would share my feelings about the end of high school with you guys

I swear if I could do high school all over again, I would. I know it's a crazy thought but I am just realizing now that I know so many more things then I did when I was a freshman. I would make differant desicions, I bet I would be valedictorian, and Emerson would have begged me to come to their college. And maybe I'd be sitting on the stage at Graduation instead of being squashed between two people that don't shower in the third row. And maybe people would recognize how hard I worked, and maybe I would be part of student senate and senior counsel, and I probably would have been part of prom comittee and video yearbook. I definitley would have wrote for the newspaper and made a fancy cover for the lit mag. I would have got plenty of scholarships and pats on the back. Then maybe on Monday I would graduate satisfied with the job I had done, and I could tell myself that I did the best anyone could do and that all my hard work had paid off. Yes, if I could wish on a star or twitch my nose or caorse a genie out of his bottle I would go back to my first day of high school and I would say Hi I'm Estee Atzbi and I am probably the smartest person in this school so get over it...wanna be friends? Me and my silly pipe dreams. High school is over and I have never felt so unfulfilled in my life.

On Monday at eleven in the morning I will file into the sovreign bank arena alongside 725 people that I don't really like, most of them I don't like soley because I never had the chance to get to know, and I'm not okay with that. On Monday morning I am going to watch the wrong person give a speech about hard work and dedication, while I sit in a plastic chair cursing under my breath because I know what I have to say is more important. After about two and a half rows of people,(a quarter of which I never even knew existed) a vice principal which I have never been formally introduced to will read my perfectly printed name off of a 3x5 index card, seconds after I hand it to him. He'll probably stumble over my last name, and I'll smile like I always do when that happens, then I'll shake his sweaty hand; infested with about 30 other peoples germs, and he'll hand me an empty case. Because we've practiced it repeatedly, I will walk to the sloppy x taped to the floor about 5 inches infront of the stairway, pose for my final high school photo and take my first step as an alumni of Old Bridge High School. While I should be thinking of the future on the way back to my seat; I can't help but pray that I don't fall in my fancy new heels while I'm trying to gracefully make some sort of impression; after all I am being watched by an arena full of proud parents, old geezers, grumpy teachers, and countless other stereotypical family memebers that don't really give a shit about me. I'm sure I will quickly look to the left, desperatley seeking a familiar face, maybe my family maybe a friend, anyone I can send a quick wave to, for the sole purpose of reassuring myself that after 4 years of high school I have found some sense of belonging. Sitting back down in my seat I'll do my best to hold my breathe because even on this "blessed day" many of my peers couldn't have the decency to practice proper hygeine. For the next 45 minutes I'll twiddle my thumbs and memorize every imperfection in my dress, every flawed step taken by the fool up at the podium, I'll see it all, because I really have nothing better to do. Not a thing can come to mind except how much I hate everyone around me right at that moment. I don't hate them because they hurt me, or because they made fun of me or cheated off my midterm junior year. I hate them because they remind me of everything I didn't do over the past four years. Their smiles, and excitement, and bitter-sweet tears, every single emotion they feel only reminds of how badly I want to do it all over again. And as I'm sitting their wathcing these happy schmucks, all the kids who finally feel liberated from this hell they have waited so long to escape from; I feel like I'm drowning. I want to go back to the begining, there are still some things I never had a chance to do or say; and here I am glued to this seat, knowing that it will never happen. This is it; the "best times of my life" are over and I can't even remember them. I hate this day, the culmination of all my hard work; because I feel like I didn't work at all. I blame this all on time, it went to fast and now I can't get it back. On Monday a man that I don't know, a man that I will never see again will paste a plastic smile to his face, he'll whistle me words of congratualtions and hand me a shiny black diploma case that will be just about as empty as I am. On Monday they'll present to you the Class of 2005, and instead of cheering and hugging and smiling; I'll be crying because I will have just finally realized that this means the end. I don't love you anymore, goodbye.

Sat, Jun. 18th, 2005 01:32 am (UTC)
punky_bruusterr

wow. uhm, well, i love you. you're a great person, so please don't take any offense to this, but suck it up, man. we all wish there were things we wanted to do differently and it's obvious if we're in this community, we are all not whole inside. there are things we are unhappy about and things we want to change, but there's no use in dwelling on it.

i wasn't a happy camper when i sat there at graduation a few weeks ago either; i wished i had come out earlier, wished i had dressed better in freshmen and sophomore year, wished i had done more honors classes and worked harder to be in the national honor society, among other things. i knew the words the val and sal spoke were bullshit and that most of these people didn't give a shit about me because i never ran track, got on prom court, or went out with them to shop at abercrombie. but you know what? it was my day. it's YOUR day.

you can't let your regrets plague you. you worked the best you could, you graduated high school (which many people never do,)you're going to college, and you now have a chance to start over. do the things you didn't do in high school. you think you can be social, enjoy your next four years of schooling, graduate with honors and an honorable position, and really be all you can be (don't sue me, army people)? than do it, man. it doesn't matter if you go to emerson or a community college. just make the most of your experiences while letting go off old demons and you will be a whole person. so on monday, don't think about all the "coulda, woulda, shouldas" or that it's over; it's going to be a fresh start and a chance to fill your own rein check.

sorry to get all halmark card-ish; i hope you find what you're looking for :)

Sat, Jun. 18th, 2005 03:42 am (UTC)
one_quick_kiss

Atleast you were being honest by telling me to suck it up hahaha, very comendable. I will enjoy my graduation, and I will enjoy project graduation. I'll take high school for what it's worth (which is alot since it got me into college) and I will learn from it and move on with my life. This was just the offspring of one of those woe is me moments that lasted about 10 minutes until I realized I had better things to focus my energy on!

<3

Sat, Jun. 18th, 2005 03:50 am (UTC)
punky_bruusterr

no worries. we're all allowed our own emo moments. and i like how you had an educational and thorough after thought instead of being all "this sucks, man; high school sucks cock!" haha i highly respect people who can convey what they are feeling and it's highly understandable. alot of people who apply to emerson tend to be people who didn't find high school enjoyable on one level or another (mostly social) so i understand. i do hope you enjoy your graduation (which is indoors by the way...grrr...i had to do mine outside in bizarre for massachusetts 90 degree weather) and college. where are you going, by the way?

Sat, Jun. 18th, 2005 04:55 am (UTC)
one_quick_kiss

Rutgers University...I am actually pretty excited for it.

I am really glad Graduation is inside...I have a feeling they are going to go crazy with the air conditioning though, and everyone will freeze; but I guess it's better then sweating our asses off.

Thu, Dec. 11th, 2008 10:20 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): Wow.

No wonder you didn't get accepted, any of you for that matter.... you're all really immature.